Q: What do you get when you cross hundreds of hilarious jokes with bucketloads of brain-stretching riddles and terribly tricky tongue-twisters?
Full of silly puns, gigglesome gags and wacky wordplay, this book guarantees hours of fun. Get ready to give your funny bones a seriously side-splitting workout!
Perfect for children aged 7 and above.
Jokes Riddles and Tongue Twisters, Back Cover. Art by Chuck Whelon
Arcturus Publishing commissioned me, through my agent, Beehive illustration, to illustrate this book of extremely old and bad jokes. Perfect!
Without telling me, they later re-issued the illustrations as part of a series of smaller joke books, for sale in the US Market, with my name on the cover, but I did not write the jokes—someone else can take the blame for that! Theses little editions also included a bunch of uncredited art from Shutterstock that I did not do, but they are still very fun for kids. You can buy them on Amazon.com here:
Joking Around Series
Here’s a look at all the images I created for this project… along with the jokes they illustrate… Except I lost the brief for the magic-themed ones at the end, so let me know if you have any idea what they were supposed to be. I guess now one of us will have to buy the books…
Q: Where do the elves go to dance?
A: A snowball!
Q. What do angry mice send each other at Christmas? A. Cross-mouse cards! Q. What did the gymnast say to her Valentine A. “I’m head over heels in love with you!” Q: What is red and white and runs across the African plains? A: A Santa-lope! Q: What do snowmen like to do after Christmas? A: Chill out! Q: What carol does Tarzan sing at Christmas? A; Jungle Bells! Q: Who has fangs and webbed feet? A: Count Quackula! Q: Why did Santa get a parking ticket? A: He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone! Q: When do ghosts play tricks on each other? A: April Ghoul’s Day! Q: What did the snail write in the Valentine’s card? A: “Be my Valen-slime!” Q: What did the farmer give his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: Hogs and kisses! Q: Did you hear about the lazy skeleton? A: It was bone idle! Q: What kind of music does the Easter bunny listen to? A: Hip-hop! Q: What sneaks around the kitchen on Christmas Eve? A: Mince spies! Q: Why couldn’t the elf work in Santa’s toyshop? A: He had tinselitus! Q: Which ride do ghosts enjoy the most? A: The roller ghoster! Q: What do birds do on Halloween?
A: They go trick or tweeting!
Q: Why did the turkey want to join a band? A: Because he already had the drumsticks! Q: What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? A: A har-vest! Q: How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Q: How much does a slobbery dog love its owner? A: Drooly, madly, deeply! Q: Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental! Q: Did you hear about the mummy that lost its temper? A: It flipped its lid! Q: Which animal invented the internet? A: The beaver, as it was the first to log on! Nero: What time is it? Servant: X past V! Q: What did the dragon say when it saw Sir Lancelot? A: “Aaagh, more tinned food!” Q: Why wouldn’t the ancient Egyptian accept that his boat was sinking? A: He was in de Nile! Q: What would you get hanging from castle walls? A: Tired arms! Q: Did you hear about the queen whose eldest son disobeyed her? A: She was having a bad heir day! Q: Why did cave people paint pictures of hippopotamuses? A: They couldn’t spell it! Q: What do you get if you cross a Roman Emperor with a boa constrictor? A: Julius Squeezer! Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom! Q: Did you hear about the unembalmed ancient Egyptian discovery? A: It sphinx! Q: Where did King Arthur’s men get their training? A: Knight school! Q: What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? A: Hoppalong Cassidy! Q: What do you call a fortunate detective? A: Sheerluck Holmes! Q: Which figure in history ate the most? A: Attila the hungry! Q: Which owl robbed the rich to give to the poor? A: Robin Hoot! Q: What happened when they finally got the cards on Noah’s Ark? A: Their game was ruined by a cheetah! Q: Why did everyone in 19th century England carry an umbrella? A: Because Queen Victoria’s reign lasted for 64 years! Q: Which cat discovered America?
A: Christofur Columpuss!
Q: How did Vikings send secret messages? A: They used Norse code! Q: What do you call a sleeping Triceratops? A: A dinosnore! Q: Did you hear about the magician who tried his sawing-a-person-in-two tricks at home? A: He had lots of half brothers and sisters! Cindy: It’s really raining cats and dogs today! Mindy: I know, I just stepped in a poodle! Ron: Why are you taking planks and a hammer to the sports hall? John: I’m going for fencing lessons! Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses! Q: What did the mother cow say to her calf? A: “It’s pasture bedtime!” Teacher: What is the plural of baby? Frances: Twins! Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! Q: How do you make antifreeze? A: Hide her coat and gloves! Edwin: I don’t like cheese with holes in! Dad: Well, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate. Thelma: If that planet is Mars, what’s the one higher up? Velma: Is it Pa’s? Q: When is a basketball player like a baby? A: When he dribbles! Q: Why are there more ghost cats than ghost dogs? A: Because every cat has nine lives! Sean: Why does your dog wear gloves? Vaughn: It’s a boxer! Q: Why shouldn’t you worry if you see mice in your home? A: They’re probably doing the mousework! Q: Why are cats so good at playing the piano? A: Because they are very mew-sical! Q: What is stranger than seeing a cat fish? A: Seeing a goldfish bowl! Dad: There’s a burglar downstairs eating the cake your sister baked. Hugh: Should I call the police or an ambulance? Winnie: Why is there a plane outside your bedroom door? Vinnie: I must have left the landing light on! Q: What can you give and keep at the same time? A: A cold! Raquel: Why does your dad wear two jumpers for golf? Michelle: In case he gets a hole in one! Emily: Dad, I got an A in spelling! Dad: You fool, there isn’t an A in spelling! Kurt: What has four legs, spots, and smells bad? Bert: Me and my brother! Q: What kind of music do astronauts like? A: Rocket and roll! Q: Why do French people love to eat snails? A: They don’t like fast food! Q: What do Inuit people use to hold their houses together? A: Ig-glue! Teacher: Which is the coldest country in the world? Student: Chile! Q: What did the baby bicycle call its father? A: Pop-cycle! Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A: A stick! Q: What do you call a train with a cold? A: An atchoo-choo train! Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen? A: Because they peel! Q: Why should you never argue on a hot-air balloon ride? A: You don’t want to fall out! Q: Which animal was the first in space? A: The cow who jumped over the Moon! Q: Can you name five animals found at the North Pole? A: “Erm…four seals and a polar bear?” Q: What has big ears, four legs, and a trunk? A: A mouse with its luggage. Q: How do elephants travel long distances? A: In jumbo jets! Q: Did you hear about the frog that parked illegally? A: It got toad away! Q: What is fluffy and green? A: A seasick sheep! Q: Why did the pirate leave a chicken with his buried treasure? A: Because eggs marks the spot! Q: How do you annoy a pirate? A: Take away the ‘p’ to make him irate! Q: What did the sailor think as he fell overboard? A: Water way to go! Q: What vegetable do sailors hate? A: Leeks! Q: Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint that crashed into a ship carrying red paint? A: The crews were marooned! Q: What do you use to cut the ocean in two? A: A seasaw! Q: What’s the largest moth in the world? A: A mammoth! Q: How can you tell a worm’s head from its tail? A: Tickle the middle and see which end laughs! Q: What do you call a bear in wet weather? A: A drizzly bear! Q: Why didn’t the viper viper nose? A: Because the adder adder handkerchief! Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? A: Cliff! Q: What do you call a man with pockets full of dry leaves? A: Russell! Q: What are the silliest flowers in the garden? A: Daft-odils! Q: What kind of animal is best at break dancing? A: A hip-hop-potamus! Q: What does the Sun drink out of? A: Sunglasses! Q: What lives in the forest and repeats itself? A: A wild boar. Q: Why wasn’t the octopus afraid of being attacked? A: It was well-armed! Q: What do you call a baby crab? A: A little nipper! Q: What did the crab say to her grouchy husband? A: “Don’t get snappy with me!” Q: What do you call a mackerel in a tuxedo? A: So-fish-ticated! Q: Why don’t oysters like loud music? A: Because a noisy noise annoys an oyster! Q: Which sea creature eats its prey two at a time? A: Noah’s shark! Q: What musical instrument are fish afraid of? A: Castanets! Q: What kind of tree can fit into your hand? A: A palm tree! Q: How can you tell if a cat likes the rain? A: Because when it rains it purrs! Q: What kind of clothes do storm clouds wear? A: Thunderwear! Q: What did the tornado say to the plane? A: “Want to go for a spin?” Q: Why should you never sleep with your head under the pillow? A: Because the tooth fairy might take all your teeth Q: Did you hear about he witches who were identical twins? A: You couldn’t tell which witch was which. Q: Why don’t witches wear top hats? A: Because there’s no point. Q: Why did the mermaid blush? A: because she saw the ocean’s bottom. Q; What did Cinderella wear when she goes snorkeling? A: Glass flippers Q: What do you calls two wizards in a UFO? A: Flying Sorcerers Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7 A: Because 7 8 9 Q: Why did the Mushroom get invited to so many parties? A; He was such a fun guy!