Q: What do you get when you cross hundreds of hilarious jokes with bucketloads of brain-stretching riddles and terribly tricky tongue-twisters?
A: This Book!
Full of silly puns, gigglesome gags and wacky wordplay, this book guarantees hours of fun. Get ready to give your funny bones a seriously side-splitting workout!
Perfect for children aged 7 and above.
Arcturus Publishing commissioned me, through my agent, Beehive illustration, to illustrate this book of extremely old and bad jokes. Perfect!
Without telling me, they later re-issued the illustrations as part of a series of smaller joke books, for sale in the US Market, with my name on the cover, but I did not write the jokes—someone else can take the blame for that! Theses little editions also included a bunch of uncredited art from Shutterstock that I did not do, but they are still very fun for kids. You can buy them on Amazon.com here: https://amzn.to/2VU4eO8
Here’s a look at all the images I created for this project… along with the jokes they illustrate… Except I lost the brief for the magic-themed ones at the end, so let me know if you have any idea what they were supposed to be. I guess now one of us will have to buy the books…
Q: Where do the elves go to dance? A: A snowball! 
Q. What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?
A. Cross-mouse cards!
Q. What did the gymnast say to her Valentine
A. “I’m head over heels in love with you!”
Q: What is red and white and runs across the African plains?
A: A Santa-lope!
Q: What do snowmen like to do after Christmas?
A: Chill out!
Q: What carol does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
A; Jungle Bells!
Q: Who has fangs and webbed feet?
A: Count Quackula!
Q: Why did Santa get a parking ticket?
A: He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone!
Q: When do ghosts play tricks on each other?
A: April Ghoul’s Day!
Q: What did the snail write in the Valentine’s card?
A: “Be my Valen-slime!”
Q: What did the farmer give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and kisses!
Q: Did you hear about the lazy skeleton?
A: It was bone idle!
Q: What kind of music does the Easter bunny listen to?
A: Hip-hop!
Q: What sneaks around the kitchen on Christmas Eve?
A: Mince spies!
Q: Why couldn’t the elf work in Santa’s toyshop?
A: He had tinselitus!
Q: Which ride do ghosts enjoy the most?
A: The roller ghoster!
Q: What do birds do on Halloween? A: They go trick or tweeting! 
Q: Why did the turkey want to join a band?
A: Because he already had the drumsticks!
Q: What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A har-vest!
Q: How does the Easter bunny stay fit? A: Eggs-ercise! 
Q: How much does a slobbery dog love its owner?
A: Drooly, madly, deeply!
Q: Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day?
A: Because they’re scent-imental!
Q: Did you hear about the mummy that lost its temper?
A: It flipped its lid!
Q: Which animal invented the internet?
A: The beaver, as it was the first to log on!
Nero: What time is it?
Servant: X past V!
Q: What did the dragon say when it saw Sir Lancelot?
A: “Aaagh, more tinned food!”
Q: Why wouldn’t the ancient Egyptian accept that his boat was sinking?
A: He was in de Nile!
Q: What would you get hanging from castle walls?
A: Tired arms!
Q: Did you hear about the queen whose eldest son disobeyed her?
A: She was having a bad heir day!
Q: Why did cave people paint pictures of hippopotamuses?
A: They couldn’t spell it!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Roman Emperor with a boa constrictor?
A: Julius Squeezer!
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom!
Q: Did you hear about the unembalmed ancient Egyptian discovery?
A: It sphinx!
Q: Where did King Arthur’s men get their training?
A: Knight school!
Q: What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
A: Hoppalong Cassidy!
Q: What do you call a fortunate detective?
A: Sheerluck Holmes!
Q: Which figure in history ate the most?
A: Attila the hungry!
Q: Which owl robbed the rich to give to the poor?
A: Robin Hoot!
Q: What happened when they finally got the cards on Noah’s Ark?
A: Their game was ruined by a cheetah!
Q: Why did everyone in 19th century England carry an umbrella?
A: Because Queen Victoria’s reign lasted for 64 years!
Q: Which cat discovered America? A: Christofur Columpuss! 
Q: How did Vikings send secret messages?
A: They used Norse code!
Q: What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A: A dinosnore!
Q: Did you hear about the magician who tried his sawing-a-person-in-two tricks at home?
A: He had lots of half brothers and sisters!
Cindy: It’s really raining cats and dogs today!
Mindy: I know, I just stepped in a poodle!
Ron: Why are you taking planks and a hammer to the sports hall?
John: I’m going for fencing lessons!
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!
Q: What did the mother cow say to her calf?
A: “It’s pasture bedtime!”
Teacher: What is the plural of baby?
Frances: Twins!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: Hide her coat and gloves!
Edwin: I don’t like cheese with holes in!
Dad: Well, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate.
Thelma: If that planet is Mars, what’s the one higher up?
Velma: Is it Pa’s?
Q: When is a basketball player like a baby?
A: When he dribbles!
Q: Why are there more ghost cats than ghost dogs?
A: Because every cat has nine lives!
Sean: Why does your dog wear gloves?
Vaughn: It’s a boxer!
Q: Why shouldn’t you worry if you see mice in your home?
A: They’re probably doing the mousework!
Q: Why are cats so good at playing the piano?
A: Because they are very mew-sical!
Q: What is stranger than seeing a cat fish?
A: Seeing a goldfish bowl!
Dad: There’s a burglar downstairs eating the cake your sister baked.
Hugh: Should I call the police or an ambulance?
Winnie: Why is there a plane outside your bedroom door?
Vinnie: I must have left the landing light on!
Q: What can you give and keep at the same time?
A: A cold!
Raquel: Why does your dad wear two jumpers for golf?
Michelle: In case he gets a hole in one!
Emily: Dad, I got an A in spelling!
Dad: You fool, there isn’t an A in spelling!
Kurt: What has four legs, spots, and smells bad?
Bert: Me and my brother!
Q: What kind of music do astronauts like?
A: Rocket and roll!
Q: Why do French people love to eat snails?
A: They don’t like fast food!
Q: What do Inuit people use to hold their houses together?
A: Ig-glue!
Teacher: Which is the coldest country in the world?
Student: Chile!
Q: What did the baby bicycle call its father?
A: Pop-cycle!
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick!
Q: What do you call a train with a cold?
A: An atchoo-choo train!
Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen?
A: Because they peel!
Q: Why should you never argue on a hot-air balloon ride?
A: You don’t want to fall out!
Q: Which animal was the first in space?
A: The cow who jumped over the Moon!
Q: Can you name five animals found at the North Pole?
A: “Erm…four seals and a polar bear?”
Q: What has big ears, four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse with its luggage.
Q: How do elephants travel long distances?
A: In jumbo jets!
Q: Did you hear about the frog that parked illegally?
A: It got toad away!
Q: What is fluffy and green?
A: A seasick sheep!
Q: Why did the pirate leave a chicken with his buried treasure?
A: Because eggs marks the spot!
Q: How do you annoy a pirate?
A: Take away the ‘p’ to make him irate!
Q: What did the sailor think as he fell overboard?
A: Water way to go!
Q: What vegetable do sailors hate?
A: Leeks!
Q: Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint that crashed into a ship carrying red paint?
A: The crews were marooned!
Q: What do you use to cut the ocean in two?
A: A seasaw!
Q: What’s the largest moth in the world?
A: A mammoth!
Q: How can you tell a worm’s head from its tail?
A: Tickle the middle and see which end laughs!
Q: What do you call a bear in wet weather?
A: A drizzly bear!
Q: Why didn’t the viper viper nose?
A: Because the adder adder handkerchief!
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff!
Q: What do you call a man with pockets full of dry leaves?
A: Russell!
Q: What are the silliest flowers in the garden?
A: Daft-odils!
Q: What kind of animal is best at break dancing?
A: A hip-hop-potamus!
Q: What does the Sun drink out of?
A: Sunglasses!
Q: What lives in the forest and repeats itself?
A: A wild boar.
Q: Why wasn’t the octopus afraid of being attacked?
A: It was well-armed!
Q: What do you call a baby crab?
A: A little nipper!
Q: What did the crab say to her grouchy husband?
A: “Don’t get snappy with me!”
Q: What do you call a mackerel in a tuxedo?
A: So-fish-ticated!
Q: Why don’t oysters like loud music?
A: Because a noisy noise annoys an oyster!
Q: Which sea creature eats its prey two at a time?
A: Noah’s shark!
Q: What musical instrument are fish afraid of?
A: Castanets!
Q: What kind of tree can fit into your hand?
A: A palm tree!
Q: How can you tell if a cat likes the rain?
A: Because when it rains it purrs!
Q: What kind of clothes do storm clouds wear?
A: Thunderwear!
Q: What did the tornado say to the plane?
A: “Want to go for a spin?”
Q: Why should you never sleep with your head under the pillow?
A: Because the tooth fairy might take all your teeth
Q: Did you hear about he witches who were identical twins?
A: You couldn’t tell which witch was which.
Q: Why don’t witches wear top hats?
A: Because there’s no point.
Q: Why did the mermaid blush?
A: because she saw the ocean’s bottom.
Q; What did Cinderella wear when she goes snorkeling?
A: Glass flippers
Q: What do you calls two wizards in a UFO?
A: Flying Sorcerers
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7
A: Because 7 8 9
Q: Why did the Mushroom get invited to so many parties?
A; He was such a fun guy!
Girlfiend 
Banshee 
Croc of Gold 
Wizard School 
Cowculator 
Bicyclops 
Where wolf
